To All the People who took Positive action & were awesome to their fellow man this year:Way to Go! Keep it up! Don't be discouraged - get involved, get informed - you are making a difference!
And to all the people who hosted negativity this year, and ended up bringing more strife, suffering and heartache to the world: Please, get better.
It's a new year. You don't have to inadvertently promote the very actions, viewpoints and reactions which inevitably conclude in your own unhappiness and spiritual death.
No way, man! You can choose to be better.Yes - just choose.
Its not always easy, but it starts there.
My New Years Resolution is to be magnanimous. Do you know what that means? It's ok - hey... I didn't either. But ever since I looked it up a few days ago, I think about the concept and start to swoon. <3
That's some beautiful mojo, Jojo! Wow. Who wouldn't want to swim with those fish?!!
I don't know that I have it in me, but I've seen it in others and my heart craves to wear it as my own. Magnanimous people are symmetrical souls. Balanced. Peaceful, too.
I could use some of that.
We all could, brother.
Speaking of exemplary new beginnings, I'm pleased to announce the unveiling of Rika's Choice - a blog written by none other than the charming and delightful Rika Paprika!
( And folks - I'm not just saying that because she's one-third of our dynamic trio!I actually believe it!)
Rika is short for "Paprika" -a nickname I gifted to this young woman after she came into the lives of Marie and I. Much like the flavoring you use in the kitchen, she's *just* a little spicy -- and tends to make a good thing even better.
But don't take take my word for it... please drop on by and see what she has to say! You can visit her blog here: Rika's Choice<--clikkity, click, click right here!!
Please do so often and with good cheer. She's a really warm and loving individual, with some very interesting things to say!
Thank you.
And if you can't be with the people you love tonight -
- at least reach out to them and let them know that you do.
This New Year will be a perfect opportunity to show it. Live with fierce compassion and strive for undeniable joy,
- Charles Dashing
While I don't subscribe to any organized religion, I believe in the concept of Good.
I believe in real and sustainable Love and the value of Tenderness.
I'm aware how powerful and relevant Forgiveness is, and also - the healing grace of Understanding.
A creature of both logic and spirituality wears my skin.
Practicality - but also, deep, wondrous sentimentalism. Yea, I am a Scientist soulfully in love with the Beauty that this world presents.
I am grateful For all that I have been given, and all that I have been allowed to earn. Grateful for the love which lifts me up And the sorrows, which force me to stand on my own I am grateful for the past that has melted behind me And the hope of a future which grants us all another day For this, I give thanks For this life, I fall to my knees and give praise For these things which mean Everything, I will devote my hallelujahs.
While hearing of innocent people being harmed is lousy, on any given day -- there's an angle which becomes almost maddening when those innocents are children.
The recent events at Sandy Hook left me pretty disenchanted with Humanity as a whole.
I know that so many decent citizens have come together to heal, cope and address the event. I take some solace in that.
Still, I'm feeling a little wrecked, to tell the truth.
Violence, always ugly - rarely justified... just seems downright evil sometimes.
Just sick about it. Tired of it.
Tired of grown adults deciding that the most destructive, negative, senseless solutions are justifiable.
To you jackasses who choose to promote hate, violence and oppression as a means of enforcing your view of the world: You're dead inside. ****ing dumb animals. Despicable empty vampires.
Not much else to say, really.
Here's another story. More of the same.
- C.D.
Marizeh, a 6-year-old wounded by the Taliban in Afghanistan, ahead of life-changing surgery at a hospital on Long Island.
OCEANSIDE (WABC) -- Even after all that little 6 year old Marizeh has been through, she still has a warm, welcoming smile. She waved to the cameras just about an hour before going into surgery at South Nassau Communities Hospital. Marizeh was brought here from her remote village in Afghanistan by Staten Island based Global Medical Relief Fund. The Taliban ambushed her family last spring, murdering her father and brother right in front of her. "She was being hidden underneath the feet of her father. They shot her in the face and they thought she had died she was there for about three hours until she was discovered," plastic surgeon Dr. Kaveh Alizadeh said. "The bullet entered from the left cheek and the exit side was above the right orbit," Alizadeh said. She lost her right eye and she has no ability to breathe through her nose because of the buildup of scar tissue. "So our task today is going to be to take her to the operating room open up the scar the airwave and probably end up borrowing cartilage from the ear," Alizadeh said. They'll use that to reline the inside of her nose. It's a remarkable surgery for a remarkable little girl "She does know she is having surgery and that she's going to be better," Elissa Montanti, Global Medical Relief Fund," said. The procedure should restore Marizeh's ability to breathe through her nose so she can sleep normally again, and she will receive a prosthetic eye. - Kristin Thorne, Eyewitness News
Source: ABC Local
While I don't believe the world is ending in a few days, I have to admit... there appears to be a great deal of very strange phenomena going on. I do a fair amount of research, visiting many popular pages available via the web, but also some of the gray, lesser known sites. There's a lot of information out there, if one only dares to start looking. You have to choose to be aware.
Logically... it boils down to these options:
a.Nothing is going on, and a lot of people just have too much time on their hands b. Something is going on. And since more people than ever have access to decent cameras - they are capturing some of these unusual events and sharing them. c.Something is going on, and there are parties or powers who wish to hide it, control it, or manipulate it for their own rationales. d. All of the above are true, to some extent.
Frankly, I suspect that 99% of what gets shared and captured is not supernatural or valid.
That should be reassuring, but it's not. You see... its the remaining 1% that is a concern.
Here - walk with me and I'll take you on a short tour of some very interesting videos. Remember, I'm not claiming that all of this is 100% real. What I will say, is that ... unfortunately, its not all 100% fake.
And if you understand the implications... you might see where this is heading.
A popular misrepresentation often portrayed by the media is that in a good monogamous relationship, two people become as one. While that's usually a figure of speech, there can be an unspoken conceptualization in Western culture that this is a valid way to approach relationships (marriage).
But would such a thing truly be desirable? In those rare cases that I have personally witnessed, its not healthy. Often one of those personalities is forced to endure a great deal of compromise, especially over a period of time. This is repressive, and does not encourage love, but instead stifles another human being. Who would do that to someone they care for?
Instead, in any relationship - each person should seek to be fulfilled as an individual. Fulfilled people who form a union can create deep interpersonal relationships which are still just as intimate, but also bear the benefits of having separate interests, skills and perspectives in life. While it is true that they may also face more challenges in finding areas of shared interest, if those matters are handled actively (not ignored) – the friction can be minimized or even nullified.
Intelligent people enter into a relationship expecting some compromise. Ethical people are compelled to fulfill this commitment. Unity, not conformity, becomes the objective.
Allegiance, not co-dependence or mere toleration of your partner, is recognized as the best solution toward the challenges long term commitment requires.
Peaceful unity (without a need for total conformity) is a concept demonstrated repeatedly throughout nature, particularly with animals of higher social and cognitive skills. For example, bottlenose dolphins from entirely different pods may choose to swim together or break off into new, smaller units , but they don’t attack other dolphins if a member should leave. They can form long-term bonds, based upon a multitude of social needs, but some would simply prefer to swim alone. In other words, they show preferences - not a strict herd mentality.
In the most ideal human examples, peaceful unity allows each individual the best possible out; the stated expectation that the individual is expected to leave on good terms if they aren’t satisfied. This compels the group to always be mindful of each individual's needs. That's powerful service!
In return, all individuals involved work harder to maintain and promote the needs of the team, as membership is purely optional – not contractual. *Note that the dolphins aren't gathering together for big 'ol pot smoking, Satan worshiping orgies. Emm... no. A: those are human inventions. B: Sex happens in nature. Includinggay sex<-- click on the link to see Epcot Dolphins doing what comes naturally. *Yawwwn. Last, if you think loving someone is all about who you get to romp - grow up! Likewise, the best of your Human Experience does not lie below your waist. Nor should you imagine anything different to be the case regarding why other people get together. You don't know, do you? In fact, people who think that way should probably look into their own frustrations if they see other people as sexual meat-objects first... and loving, intelligent beings, secondly.
It is also possible that the parameters of any group may be self-determined and expressed right up front, including any limitations or social norms and expectations. For that reason, a willfully unified group, doesn't need to suppress members' individual will, happiness or expression – when that group sees freedom of individualism and personal-fulfillment as one of the BEST benefits to membership! Rather between social groups of two or two-million - it doesn’t matter, the concept remains the same. Members aren't asked to 'become one' – but are encouraged to share their individualism willingly, responsibly and honestly.
When that is delivered, it promotes positive longevity and depth of compassion for all choices, not death of individual freedom and constriction of choice for the minority.
I cannot say that I know what's best for others, because I believe that all relationships are as complex and diverse as the individuals within them. Reasonable compromise is a necessity for all good relationships, but no one should be forced to assimilate in order to meet terms dictated by the whims of another. When everyone is respected and encouraged to be personally fulfilled, the relationship is ENHANCED by that diversity! Love should give you more, not less. Its mathematics, not magic.
Therefore a new equation becomes possible, and better yet -- desirable:
1 + X = X + 1
This presents a balanced equation in which each unit remains valued and whole.
Only then, after we get that right - are we truly ready to be together.
-C.D.
i.believe.in.you.
You have to reflect upon the decisions that you’ve made – and realize that it’s not just ‘the way things are’. Culture isn’t incidental. Your choices reflect the areas in which you were willing to accept or challenge the norms of your social environment.
Your conformity doesn’t make you a mindless drone, nor does your uniqueness brand you as a revolutionary. You’re just being human and real.
Culture however is very much about conformity, and often demonizes the individual who stands apart.
When you contribute to that negativity, you are feeding into those same forces which would negate you - if they knew the truth regarding some of your personal choices. Think about it.
- Unknown.
There is an age old way of thinking about small government vs. large government -- States rights vs the Federal government. There’s an idea of using the states as “laboratories”. That is – there is a strain of American thought that says that different peoples in different places are going to have different values, and ideas and ways of going about things. To impose on everyone a standard system - is to ignore, not just these differences – but the right of these people to have these differences.
There may be a standard by which we are going to impose a minimal level of conduct and civility, but beyond that we are going to provide room for these peoples (in this case, States) to develop their own existence.
- Dan Carlin, Common Sense with Dan Carlin podcast [[Oct 1, 2012]]
Your love, being In Love and In a Relationship with you, shouldn’t be a burden to your partner! It should be pleasant and helpful. It should be supportive. It can be all these things, and fun and interesting as well!
These are the things you would want a person to feel about you in their heart, so these are the things you should concentrate on giving.
Even among people who are truly devoted to loving one another, there are always the scars of past wounds, new insecurities, and an uncertain future. It doesn't matter what type of relationship it is, or who is in it -- we're human, and subject to faults of perspective regarding ourselves and others. Like guitar strings, we all have a certain range and 'tensile strength'. Tensile strength measures the force required to pull something such as ropeor a wire to the point where it breaks.
When caressed by comfortable and understanding hands, we make music. We create harmony. In many modern cultures, this is why we get married: we believe we have found someone who knows how to bring out the best in us.
But those same strings, plucked without tenderness or by unkind fingers - will only endure so much before they start to fray and break.
Here... we have a dinner party. A group of old friends has come together to celebrate the engagement of a couple. Should be a good time, right? But all it takes is a a little discord... one angry strum to set them against one another, and the strands start to unravel. Even Good People in Love are vulnerable to harsh and critical analysis.
Take a look:
[[ Warning: Adult language and concepts. Be advised. ]]
Are they all liars? Was Scott wrong for speaking so directly - or is he acting out, due to his own bad experiences with trust? Perhaps some might sanction his behavior, stating that he is only being brutally honest. Ok, let's assume that he's just "keeping it real"... but -- at what cost? None of us could perform a guitar sonata perfectly on our first try! So why should we expect anyone to be flawless in handling marriage or parenthood or even growing older?
Here, we have a set of what appears to be bright, relatively happy and successful individuals. Yet its evident that each of them is damaged or broken in some way.
After all, Art imitates Life.
Harsh strumming will expose the ugliness in a guitar, much like it does with relationships. A negative chord, sustained and shared to all who will listen...now resonates.
Negativity reverberates like a bad note played during a concert.
So what, then? What becomes of love -- when evidently, its so easily broken and betrayed? Why bother?
Perhaps because love *really* is like guitar strings. Even broken strings can be restrung. Even bad notes fade, especially when replaced with harmony. Will it be perfect? No. But .... it never was. All of life will be an imperfect melody. It is the Musician that one should seek to improve.
There are any number of motivations which can allow one to be a better musician, Love among the best of them. A passion for the instrument (your living heart), the method (the relationship) and melody (the joy of that bond)-- these grant us the opportunity to practice our skills. If you can allow forgiveness, replacing harsh tones with softer conversation and understanding --- you can elevate the melody or create something new.
Yet in some relationships people quit working at it early on, for fear that a few broken strings signify an end they'd rather not address. So instead of continuing to explore their skills, they strum those last two strings for all they are worth. Sometimes ... for a lifetime. Years spent playing the same set of familiar fights and frets... joylessly and with numbed fingers.
It is unfortunate, because greater investment would in time reveal the truth about those strings: You can replace them with new ones, created by your own depth of understanding. New strings which have a higher tensile strength! As you do this, you reveal certain truths: Patience does not sound the same as Resignation, nor does Complacency bear the same arrangement as Bored. Time spent playing together just means you'll have to keep improving those finer skills, that's all.
The song will change. Admittedly, it may not end the way it started.
You will forever be at risk of error. (But ...you will also have a chance at rapture!)
So it is well worth the risk... for richer melodies remind us of what it meant to fall in love in the first place.The human spirit longs for exuberance through shared experiences. Despite our own broken strings, we are compelled to seek harmony through one another.
-C.D.
About Good People in Love
New five part dramatic mini series from the executive Producer/Writer/Director of "Anyone But Me", Tina Cesa Ward.
A spiritual, emotional and social legacy is like a three-stranded cord. Individually, each strand cannot hold much weight. But wrapped together, they are strong. That's why passing on a positive, affirming legacy is so important and why a negative legacy can be so destructive. The good news is that you, with God's help, can decide to pass a positive legacy on to your children whether you received one or not. No matter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we all have one thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional and spiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us is passed a heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to our family. It's not an option. Parents always pass to their children a legacy … good, bad or some of both.
Today, if we don't intentionally pass a legacy consistent with our beliefs to our children, our culture will pass along its own, often leading to a negative end. It is important to remember that passing on a spiritual, emotional and social legacy is a process, not an event. As parents, we are responsible for the process. God is responsible for the product. We cannot do God's job, and He won't do ours.
[] The Emotional Legacy
In order to prosper, our children need an enduring sense of security and stability nurtured in an environment of safety and love.
[] The Social Legacy
To really succeed in life, our children need to learn more than management techniques, accounting, reading, writing and geometry. They need to learn the fine art of relating to people. If they learn how to relate well to others, they'll have an edge in the game of life.
[] The Spiritual Legacy
The Spiritual Legacy is overlooked by many, but that's a mistake. As spiritual beings, we adopt attitudes and beliefs about spiritual matters from one source or another. As parents, we need to take the initiative and present our faith to our children. Which characteristics would you like to build into the legacy you pass along to your children? Even if you don't hit the exact mark, setting up the right target is an important first step. Do you:
Acknowledge and reinforce spiritual realities? Do your children know, for example, that Jesus loves everyone? That God is personal, loving and will forgive us?
View God as a personal, caring being who is to be loved and respected?
Make spiritual activities a routine part of life?
Clarify timeless truth — what's right and wrong?
Incorporate spiritual principles into everyday living
I don't agree with everything in the article above, but I thought it was interesting - and generally credulous. I need not fear or discredit it, merely because its Truth is expressed via a belief-system different from my own.
- C.D.
IT HAPPENED TO ME: MY FATHER DISINHERITED ME
How did it all go so wrong with my father and me? It seems almost like a dream; the images blur and fade when I look too closely. It’s hard to piece together exactly what happened, and when, and why.
Kitty was my father’s fourth wife; a fellow teacher at the college where he’d worked since before I was born. The first time I noticed her was at his third wedding; she was watching closely, stone-faced, as my dad licked wedding cake off his giggling bride’s long, blood-red nails. A few months later, third wife made an abrupt exit and Kitty stepped in to pick up the pieces.
She was skittish and sour right from the start. She didn’t smile, didn’t say much. I was reluctant for Dad to get involved with someone new so soon after his disastrous third marriage and made no effort to impress her; when he brought Kitty to a family dinner, I behaved as I always had.
My father had a bawdy sense of humor and a wicked tongue -- traits he passed on to me -- and we had great fun being bad together. He recited dirty poems and ranted about politicians; I told offensive jokes and made fun of people. We cracked each other up until we snorted things out our noses. We were devoted to one another.
Shortly after that first dinner, Dad called me, distraught. He said that Kitty didn’t like me. She thought I was crude and loud and unpleasant, and furthermore, since I was an adult, she saw no reason why Dad should have such a close relationship with me. Why did he go to movies with me all the time? Why did we have dinner together so often? Why was he always calling me? I was in college and Dad was supporting me; she was appalled. Her parents hadn’t paid for her education and she didn’t see why he should pay for mine.
Although her words stung, I resolved to swallow my hurt and anger for my father’s sake; I hated to see him so upset. I reassured him that I’d be more polite next time I saw her; I’d make her like me. After all, everyone liked me! I was witty and bright and kind-hearted; outside of a mean girl or two in school, no one had ever seriously disliked me.
In an attempt to smooth things over, Kitty invited me to celebrate my 22nd birthday at her place. Our family had a tradition of going out to dinner for birthdays, but Dad said Kitty felt strongly that we should have my birthday dinner at her house this year. He confessed that she felt he needed to be more careful with his money. In fact, my grandparents had recently left my father a substantial inheritance, and while it was true that he’d gone on some extravagant trips -- taking me to Antarctica, going on safari in Kenya -- I knew he was doing fine.
An alarm bell started to ring, but I didn’t want to upset my father and I couldn’t prove anything, so I kept my mouth shut and showed up at Kitty’s small, suburban condo on my birthday. She’d prepared a simple dinner, baked a coconut cake, and wrapped up a basket of bath stuff for me -- a gift to her from a student; she told me she was allergic to it. I couldn’t say she wasn’t trying.
Still, things remained tense. I didn’t see my father as much as I used to; we’d always been so close. I missed him. I was sure they’d break up -- I figured I could wait her out. Then one day Dad called me, crying. He and Kitty had gone on a trip together and fought terribly.
She’d given him an ultimatum -- not only was he to stop giving me money, but she wanted me out of his life completely. He was devastated. He loved her, he said, but he loved me more. If it came down to a choice between Kitty and me, there was no choice to make. I was his child.
A week later he called to tell me they were married. They’d gone to the courthouse without telling anyone. He was over the moon. He seemed to have no recollection of our conversation just days before. I hung up the phone and wept.
Things only got worse after the marriage. Invitations to their home were issued and revoked; letters were written outlining my offenses and laying down ground rules for future visits. I gave up on Kitty ever liking me. To her face, I continued to attempt to be civil, but behind her back I called her The Bitch and said I hoped Fifth Wife would come along soon.
When I was allowed to visit, Kitty nearly always barricaded herself in the bedroom, claiming to have a migraine. There was always an excuse for her erratic behavior -- Kitty had social phobia, fibromyalgia, lupus, depression, anxiety, hypoglycemia, epilepsy. She was seeing different doctors, taking new medications to control her pain, or her anxiety, or both. Test after test came back inconclusive; procedure after procedure brought no relief.
I thought that any day, my father would wake up from his fog -- and yet he didn’t. Under Kitty’s influence, he began to go to the doctor more often, too. He used to lift weights at the gym, run 10Ks with me and hike in his beloved Rocky Mountains, but now he claimed to be sick all the time. Barely 60, he began aging rapidly, losing weight and becoming frail. He had heart surgery, then knee surgery, then back surgery.
I watched helplessly as he declined. He and Kitty both became addicted to painkillers and took methadone to try to come off of them, like junkies. One Christmas Eve he came to see me and his arms were scratched to bloody ribbons -- itching from the withdrawal, he explained, trembling.
Finally I laid it on the line. I told him Kitty was sick, that he had to get away from her. His eyes watered and he hung his head. He knew, he told me. He knew there was something very wrong with her, that she was “sick in the head.” I cried, relieved to hear him admit it at last. Finally, I thought, this was going to end.
It didn’t. The next few years brought an increasing soap-opera parade of misunderstandings, tears, lies, apologies and venom. After Kitty failed to invite me to my father’s 64th birthday party, she got wind that I was upset and called to explain why I hadn’t been included. I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore because every word that came out of her mouth was a lie. I said I had a family to take care of and didn’t have time for her games. Blind with rage, I hung up on her.
A few days later I got a letter from my father. He knew what I’d said to Kitty on the phone, he wrote, and he would not tolerate it. She was his wife, his life partner, the woman who carried him to the bathroom at night and wiped up his vomit and diarrhea and blood when he was sick -- he guessed I didn’t know what love was, what she meant to him. What kind of monster was I? If I couldn’t accept his wife, he was finished with me.
I could hardly breathe. I stood there shaking for a while, then wrapped my baby daughter in her sling, her fat cheek pressed close against my pounding heart, and walked through the crisp autumn afternoon to pick up my older daughter from preschool. The leaves were a riot of red and yellow, the sky was painted a deep October blue, and I felt as if my heart had been sliced open.
I only saw my father once or twice, very briefly, after that day. A year later I moved across the country and neither of us called to say goodbye. There seemed to be nothing left to say. I still hoped my father would get well and strong again and we’d reconcile, but I didn’t know what more I could do. I was wounded; defeated.
I emailed him finally, tentatively, and he replied, just as tentatively. Things seemed to be thawing just slightly whenmy brother called to tell me that Dad was in Intensive Care with some sort of infection, or pneumonia -- no one was quite sure what. It looked bad. I called the hospital to try to find out what was going on, but no one would speak to me. My brother was there and he asked my father if he wanted to see me -- but under Kitty’s watchful eye, he turned his head away and said nothing. Two days later, he died.
*****
Someone informs me there will be a memorial service; I can’t afford to fly out for it but I want to send flowers so people might at least remember that he had a daughter. I realize I don’t know what’s happened to my father’s body, so I call the funeral home to ask whether to get the type of arrangement that goes on top of a casket or the kind that sits next to an urn.
The girl on the phone says, “Well, his family wanted –” and I cut her off fast. “No, not his family. I’m his family. His family isn’t there.” She pauses for only a second; she’s heard it all before. Gently, she tells me that his body has been cremated, and I choke out, “thank you” and that’s when I know that arms that cradled me and eyes that smiled at me have already been turned into ashes. “Babe,” he used to call me. “Good night, babe.”
Kitty never contacts me, but months later, her lawyer finally sends a copy of Dad’s will. It’s dated from just after the marriage, long before my children were born, and it leaves everything to Kitty. Money, memorabilia, our father’s writing -- everything. I say we should investigate this will; I say this is wrong and we have to get to the bottom of it, but no one backs me up. They shake their heads and tell me to let sleeping dogs lie. They want me to drop it, and full of shame and grief, I do.
****
Soon it will be three years since my father died. I still miss him so much that sometimes it feels like someone is standing on top of my chest, hitting me over the head with a hammer. There are things I want to tell him: I ran a half-marathon last spring, his granddaughter dances with the New York City Ballet, my marriage has fallen apart, I’m trying to be a writer, like he always wanted to be. Sometimes I pick up the phone and look for his number before I remember that he’s gone.
I wrote to Kitty several months ago. I said I was sorry for the way everything happened; that I know my father loved her and would be sad about the way things are between us. He wanted the people he loved to be kind to each other. I sent pictures of the girls and said I hoped she was well. She didn’t respond. Maybe she really loved him, or maybe she was just a gold-digger. I’ll probably never know.
So yes, it happened to me: my father disinherited me. But also, he didn’t. If he had left me money it might be gone by now, but for the rest of my life, I’ll see the world through eyes just like his -- gray-blue and squinty; eyes that look at the world with the same wary attention and harsh judgments. He left me the tiny, wrinkly fingers that type these words and the wide, square feet that carry me through the world. He left me a hundred happy memories. He left me his heart, because I know how much he loved me. And he knew how much I loved him, too -- no matter what.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - From The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
“Love is wanting the best for somebody – regardless of its consequences for you. That’s what real love is.”
- Steve Simeone, Ari Shaffir podcast “God”, Nov 5 2012
With ANY experience, - if you’re an adept, and you’re intelligent and powerful enough - you can convert that experience into something positive that you can use to better understand the world. Because every experience is a lens by which to view the world and bring your existence into focus. - concept shared by Duncan Trussell,
The Joe Rogan Experience podcast – 11/28/12 [[ 27 min ]]
There’s nothing good that I would do for you, that isn’t also good for me. Conversely, there’s nothing bad that I would do to you, that won’t also somehow come back to negatively affect myself. While sometimes the details in this equation aren’t readily discernible, they usually present themselves if you just step back and think about them for a moment.
Thus – an ill word, or even a negative thought about another person – is like drinking poison, and expecting someone else to die.
How you deal with challenges in life, is testament to who you are.
No one else makes you behave negatively.
- T.Miller
Dear Parents; A PSA
* This one goes out to all those who had to lose someone they love, ~ because of someone else's hate.
So a few posts ago , I briefly mentioned my first meeting with Rika's father and stepmother . That was a really big event for us, and we were sincerely touched by the decency, respect and warmth they shared. The event was one of this year's highlights for me. Not only was it heartwarming, but it came to epitomize the very concept of people with very different ideas coming together to discuss and share, rather than denounce and fight. While I don't want to push Father Dad to accept me as his son-in-law, I must admit that I'm hoping he'll feel comfortable with that title in his heart one day. If the Lord works in mysterious ways... our new found friendship and alliance may well be one of them.
It is to me.
*Here I would add: I really like the fact that we share some very similar perspectives on many things, yet - clearly disagree about some others. I'm really enjoying that. There are so many conversations I want to have with him about his views, and ... already, I'm tickled to death that he can make jokes about mine! We are healthy.
But this post isn't about me... it's actually about Marie's visit. Last night, Rika and Marie went out to make the same pilgrimage. I'm pleased to say the results were stellar!
Aside from being a devoted man of faith, Father Dad is...well... shall we say... a bit of a jokester? He's got a mischievous spirit (I see where you get it from, Rika..) and a witty way of surprising you with a sarcastic comment when you least expect it! Also - he's experienced enough to be 'grumpy' about some things -- which is manna to Marie. You see... Marie has a knack with grumpy old men... lol!
I should know; the older and crankier I get - the better she seems to handle me. =)
So these two hit it right off!
In poly-relationships, we use a term which is found nowhere else... not even in the dictionary. That term is " compersion ". It is the state of love which allows for us to feel delighted when we see our mates spiritually connecting with another, even if we are not directly involved. To the immature mind, that can sound like swinging or something. If you thought that, go take a cold shower, then come back and keep reading.
Go on. Yes... you with the dorky looking smirk, missing the point. I'll be here when you get back.
OK. No - we're not swingers. Hey -- you've felt compersion too.
If you've ever felt that swell of your chest when you see your wife hugging your daughter, or your brother kissing his wife - that was compersion. Perhaps you felt it when your team won .. even though you were sitting on the bench. That's how it works. Its bigger than your own ego, or even your insecurities.
This empathetic perspective is crucial to the way poly families work; while they might practice polyfidelity like my family - we very much connect to joy achieved by sharing one another with others we love. In this way, we believe that love multiplies - not divides, as most monogamous perspectives might forecast.
So... Marie and Rika came home last night -- full of giggles and the sisterly silliness that I adore in them! Gushing like kids, they told me from start to finish about the evening, and how much they enjoyed meeting dad and Grace. Apparently, while my introduction to them was full of deep conversation and sharing, these jokers all got together for hijinks and a party! Lol! The whole time I was listening.. I was grinning like an idiot... laughing, but also glowing inside.This is how it can be. This is how it should be. Father Dad and Grace will receive the gifts of More --- inheriting a whole new family if they wish to, with new grandkids as well. This, just because they decided to not let old limitations limit new growth. Again, it's completely clear that this isn't easy for them. They aren't thrilled with the fact that this is their daughter's choice. But -- it's also evident that they are willing to allow a reasonable love to grow, searching for the positivity we can share.
That's as fair a shake as I would ask of anybody.
Rika couldn't be more proud, of course! Her deeply religious family has responded to we beggars and lepers with more understanding and openness than any. She believed in him - and he delivered.
For that, Father Dad -- I salute you. You are the only man in the world who may love her even more than I do. This new growth has given her great peace of mind. Why? Because you have done a beautiful job of representing what you believe - in the most positive of manners, while compromising nothing. You have delivered a demonstration of honesty AND love. High fives, sir.
And Marie..? Well... here's what she asked me to post: Being accepted has been something that I have struggled with my whole life.
I am adopted.... .....while some people may see this as a positive thing: "you were chosen," I have often felt out of place with my adopted family. As a child I always wondered what my "real" parents were like and if they would understand me. But, as an adult, I see that being biologically related doesn't matter. You just love people for who they really are. The details aren't the summary of that love, just... details. Yesterday, I met Rika's father and step-mother. This kind of communion was very important to me and the family. As you have witnessed firsthand, your daughter and I laugh all the time !! This is one of the best things about our relationship ~ she brings out the silliest parts of me! Now I see that her dad also does the same, with his wonderful sense of humor ! We laughed all evening long, and I thoroughly enjoyed the teasing which was doled out from all parties. The lighthearted nature of the evening was welcome and cherished. It was sweet to see Rika with her father. They really love one another. Differences and details don't matter to them. They work on it and keep on going. Rika's step-mom was kind and supplied some tasty treats. She was also a wonderful pool partner. I did ok -- but I plan on getting better and *really* bringing it! Be warned!! lol! Anyhow... I felt accepted, not just tolerated. I appreciate them for the love that they shared with me.
And she's right. That's all it is: people sharing love.
We're all human. We're all sad AND amazing. Broken AND magnificent. Scared, yet struggling to just do the best we can! People can be strong, despite being so very alone and frail in this world. Love - in its many incarnations, allows us to be greater than death or fear or ignorance. Even better and stronger than our own limitations.
Real love, expressed responsibly -- makes us into better human beings. It adds to the depth and color of our world. It multiplies and rewards everyone.
Here's to 2013 and all the new Hope.
-C.D.
PS: It pays to be an insightful old man! ( <---- click that link! )
Father Dad --- you got game .
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