[[ 19 ]] A BALANCED EQUATION

1 + X = 1 ?

A popular misrepresentation often portrayed by the media is that in a good monogamous relationship, two people become as one. While that's usually a figure of speech, there can be an unspoken conceptualization in Western culture that this is a valid way to approach relationships (marriage). 

But would such a thing truly be desirable? In those rare cases that I have personally witnessed, its not healthy. Often one of those personalities is forced to endure a great deal of compromise, especially over a period of time. This is repressive, and does not encourage love, but instead stifles another human being. Who would do that to someone they care for?

Instead, in any relationship - each person should seek to be fulfilled as an individual. Fulfilled people who form a union can create deep interpersonal relationships which are still just as intimate, but also bear the benefits of having separate interests, skills and perspectives in life. While it is true that they may also face more challenges in finding areas of shared interest, if those matters are handled actively (not ignored) – the friction can be minimized or even nullified.

Intelligent people enter into a relationship expecting some compromise. Ethical people are compelled to fulfill this commitment. Unity, not conformity, becomes the objective.

Allegiance, not co-dependence or mere toleration of your partner, is recognized as the best solution toward the challenges long term commitment requires.

Peaceful unity (without a need for total conformity) is a concept demonstrated repeatedly throughout nature, particularly with animals of higher social and cognitive skills. For example, bottlenose dolphins from entirely different pods may choose to swim together or break off into new, smaller units , but they don’t attack other dolphins if a member should leave. They can form long-term bonds, based upon a multitude of social needs, but some would simply prefer to swim alone. In other words, they show preferences - not a strict herd mentality.  

In the most ideal human examples, peaceful unity allows each individual the best possible out; the stated expectation that the individual is expected to leave on good terms if they aren’t satisfied. This compels the group to always be mindful of each individual's needs. That's powerful service! 

In return, all individuals involved work harder to maintain and promote the needs of the team, as membership is purely optional – not contractual. 

*Note that the dolphins aren't gathering together for big 'ol pot smoking, Satan worshiping orgies. Emm... no. A: those are human inventions. B: Sex happens in nature. Including gay sex <-- click on the link to see Epcot Dolphins doing what comes naturally. *Yawwwn.
Last, if you think loving someone is all about who you get to romp - grow up! 
Likewise, the best of your Human Experience does not lie below your waist. Nor should you imagine anything different to be the case regarding why other people get together. You don't know, do you? 
In fact, people who think that way should probably look into their own frustrations if they see other people as sexual meat-objects first... and loving, intelligent beings, secondly.     

It is also possible that the parameters of any group may be self-determined and expressed right up front, including any limitations or social norms and expectations. For that reason, a willfully unified group, doesn't need to suppress members' individual will, happiness or expression – when that group sees freedom of individualism and personal-fulfillment as one of the BEST benefits to membership!  Rather between social groups of two or two-million - it doesn’t matter, the concept remains the same. Members aren't asked to 'become one' – but are encouraged to share their individualism willingly, responsibly and honestly.  

When that is delivered, it promotes positive longevity and depth of compassion for all choices, not death of individual freedom and constriction of choice for the minority.

I cannot say that I know what's best for others, because I believe that all relationships are as complex and diverse as the individuals within them. Reasonable compromise is a necessity for all good relationships, but no one should be forced to assimilate in order to meet terms dictated by the whims of another. When everyone is respected and encouraged to be personally fulfilled, the relationship is ENHANCED by that diversity! Love should give you more, not less. 

Its mathematics, not magic. 

Therefore a new equation becomes possible, and better yet -- desirable:   

1 + X = X + 1  

This presents a balanced equation in which each unit remains valued and whole.

Only then, after we get that right - are we truly ready to be together.

-C.D.

i.believe.in.you.

You have to reflect upon the decisions that you’ve made – and realize that it’s not just ‘the way things are’. Culture isn’t incidental. Your choices reflect the areas in which you were willing to accept or challenge the norms of your social environment. 

Your conformity doesn’t make you a mindless drone, nor does your uniqueness brand you as a revolutionary. You’re just being human and real.

Culture however is very much about conformity, and often demonizes the individual who stands apart.

When you contribute to that negativity, you are feeding into those same forces which would negate you - if they knew the truth regarding some of your personal choices. Think about it.  

- Unknown.

There is an age old way of thinking about small government vs. large government --  States rights vs the Federal government. There’s an idea of using the states as “laboratories”. That is – there is a strain of American thought that says that different peoples in different places are going to have different values, and ideas and ways of going about things. To impose on everyone a standard system - is to ignore, not just these differences – but the right of these people to have these differences.

There may be a standard by which we are going to impose a minimal level of conduct and civility, but beyond that we are going to provide room for these peoples (in this case, States) to develop their own existence.

-  Dan Carlin, Common Sense with Dan Carlin podcast [[Oct 1, 2012]]

Your love, being In Love and In a Relationship with you, shouldn’t be a burden to your partner!  It should be pleasant and helpful. It should be supportive. It can be all these things, and fun and interesting as well!  

These are the things you would want a person to feel about you in their heart, so these are the things you should concentrate on giving.

- T. Miller