Take heed…
Sadly, I think we all know someone that fits most of these definitions.
7 signs you’re dealing with a toxic person:
1. In an argument, they look to inflict damage – not resolve disagreements or solve problems. Their attack isn’t leveled at your perspective or acts, but your personality. When they feel insecure, they don’t come to you to express their vulnerability; instead they come to you with anger, accusations and pre-resolved judgments (instead of pre-prepared questions).
2. They treat everything like it’s an attack. They don’t see nice acts as genuine, or they easily forget them when anger comes. Nor do they handle any review of their own behavior well. They disdain even constructive criticism, and emotionally (not logically) refute opportunities for growth.
3. Toxic people are hell-bent on portraying you as the root of all evil. They make it about you… and won’t consider that they may need to grow, or how they might have approached things differently. Instead, even if you’re reasonable and offer terms of compromise, they won’t allow for it – because they have emotionally invested in blame as a coping mechanism. They lack the healthy self-awareness that makes most people question themselves and acknowledge the humility of their own errors.
4. They tell you they love you, but they define that term through seeking your compliance (not your happiness). From time to time, they will use that word – but it never means what it should. When you do show vulnerability, or admit things you could have done better -- they feel vindicated. They can now talk about how much they ‘love’ you. But only as long as you don’t question, challenge or ask them to demonstrate that love. Should you ask the same of them, or question their previous attitudes, they revert to defensive, blaming tactics – not fair trade for your humility.
5. They are uncomfortable with your success, your happiness and your confidence. They seek ways to denigrate your achievements, or to re-align the positive gains in your life… so they might be declared ill-won, fake or otherwise no good. They don’t like seeing those around you succeed either, and perceive anyone aligned with you as ‘enemies’ (sometimes they won’t say this directly, but their actions regarding those people will often be considerably out-of-sync. A sign of underlying aggression/resentment. ) They may also try to make you feel worthless (You don’t care about me. You’re ruthless and selfish. You only do stuff to try to look good ) --- but tend to lack proof to substantiate these feelings. These things are merely Emotional Accusations. Should you provide proof which conflicts with their notions, they will intentionally subvert that proof, taking their own accusations as more worthy than any evidence provided by reality.
6. Toxic people get distant from you when things are going well. Sometimes, they’ll shift their attentions to other friends or family members. However – they will accuse you of being the one to cause the distance.
7. They’re very uncomfortable openly acknowledging any intent of shared peace and unity with you. They see any compromise as you ‘forcing your way upon them’, completely unable to acknowledge that you are conceding, as well. They lack the intellectual and emotional maturity which allows people to discern the key difference between a compromise and a concession.
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You get the idea.
You know - when we promote a POSITIVE view of a person, the person is actually MORE likely to follow those positive labels. Think about it…
If someone tells you that you’re SO funny – it makes you want to be even MORE funny when you’re around them, right? Identities work like that: we all like to be appreciated for our best traits. Encouraging those traits creates more of the same in us. If you tell a man that you really appreciate his loyalty – it increases the likelihood that he'll continue to earn your trust and appreciation. Being something special to someone becomes a very powerful force in how we act around people, and to some extent - how we see ourselves.
(Everyone wants to be thought of positively; the person who denies this is a sociopath, or at the very least - emotionally immature.)
However -- when emotional differences compel you to repeatedly declare someone a cheater, an idiot, dishonest or invalid… you erode their motive to prove otherwise. Why do that? What is the point of demonizing someone if you never intend to accept any acts which might prove otherwise? You misuse the term 'love' when you demonstrate yours through methods that deny, divide and devalue - rather than guide. Wouldn't it be more loving to build and evolve change through patience and the providence of proof?
Keep up this negative form of care and --- over time--- the person subject to your derision will give up. Not on themselves and their choices, but on how you see them…. particularly if their actual behavior vastly differs from the negative accusations hurled at them.
When people start feeling like they’re always going to be wrong, no matter how they try to reach out or appease you – eventually, they lose the motivation to keep trying. If you’ve not responded, like-for-like, to positive cues, acts of genuine concession, acts of respect and kindness – openness – attempts at reason – and above all else, hopefulness…. then you render yourself undeserving of such attention.
When people eventually back away from a toxic person, it’s not because they’re selfish, unwilling to try – or because they had an agenda all along. It’s because no one is obligated to keep trying to love you.
-C.D.
Mom and Dad...
It was no one's fault. Ever since childhood, I was designated to see the world as a better place than the one you illustrated for me. That optimism compelled me toward understandings that are intrinsically different from what you believe or will consider. I can't be sorry about that, but I regret that Love Itself was not reason enough for me to stay monochromatic - nor for you to see softer ways with which to color the interpretation of Life.
- Your son
*Inspiration for these thoughts: 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person (Youtube channel Matthew Hussey)
