We got married this weekend!
Or 'mock-married' --- as it's not legal for three people to get married in the United States.
It was just a thing that we wanted to do for ourselves.
Even so - it was WONDERFUL!
After months of talking about it and a lengthy engagement period, Marie, Rika and I decided to officially commit to being life-long best mates!
I turned 45 years old this year, but I’m ever surprised at how my life story only continues to get better and better! I never expected to be so happy or fulfilled, and the partners I am mated to feel the same! Each morning, we email one another from our different jobs ( Link: Letters ), and the mails are full of glow and positivity! It’s undeniable: this is our very best life.
On Saturday morning, Rika and I drove out to a hand-picked, secluded location where we had one of the best talks of our lives.
Then, we shared vows.
That evening, the three of us sat around the dinner table, sipping wine, eating and playing a newlywed game. The kind where there is no loser and everyone takes turns discussing memories about how you met, and what so-and-so's favorite ice cream is!
- Charles Dashing.
We never belonged to this world of harm and hatred, anyway
Where men make war in the struggle to keep his brother's bondage.
We reject weak hands and such sorrow, sewn in the name of weak love.
Something better is out there... just waiting to be found.
Just waiting to be created.
Waiting to be held, shared and understood.
- C.D.
Or 'mock-married' --- as it's not legal for three people to get married in the United States.
It was just a thing that we wanted to do for ourselves.
Even so - it was WONDERFUL!
Rika has been with us for over three years, and frankly- it’s been brilliant. We've got the compersion thing down; gone are the days of subtle jealousy and all the typical fears. We've turned it around: from daily chores and errands, to family vacations, to legal things like sharing a bank account or assigning legal rights should any of us die.
Of course, legally – we are not together. Despite how well we work together and care for one another, other people's rules still limit the expression of our relationship. Even so, we're not bitter!
We see that such things take time: just before I was born, interracial marriage was still illegal in some states. Now, the population is growing more accepting of same-sex marriages. It is our hope that perhaps one day, people will finally come around to realize that when consenting adults come together to form a more perfect union – however that union may look, it’s still a carefully woven commitment that takes a lot of maturity. I would never advocate such a complex relationship for everyone, I would only say that it has worked out for us. I also wouldn't advocate motorcycles, kickboxing, or tightrope walking for just anyone. But to those who CAN do those things - thank goodness! Please enjoy the things in life which fulfill you!
In the end, life is hard enough. Finding people you can love and be down with forever – is crazy tough. So however you create your happiness, whatever that arrangement should look like .. if it’s mutual, healthy and you’re genuinely happy – you should have the right to live your very best life.
Marie and I have been happy together for over 22 years. That's enough time to figure out who you are, and to gain the confidence required to grow. We knew we wanted this life since we were in our 20's... before we'd ever even heard of such concepts as polyamory! This is Us, the way heterosexual men love women, or monogamous couples only have one love to give. We were different before we knew what different meant.
These days, we consider everything to be an adventure, treading forward playfully - but with immense focus and communication. The relationship is egalitarian: this is not some misogynistic fantasy where I get to have a harem. We’re not New Age hippies, either. We just understand the emotional, resourceful and logistical benefits of More. It’s a rational, emotional decision, made by adults who have lived long enough to figure a few things out.
Rika's integration hasn’t been seamless: like any relationship, there were fights and trials. We went through a lot of growing, together and individually. But always, the focus was placed upon personal fulfillment through group support. That is – each person helping one another to attain MORE fulfillment, rather than less due to struggles over ego, resource, effort and time. This has worked for us, and the results are amazing!
Marie and I found that our love for one another was irreplaceable. She says that I’ve become a better mate than ever, and I feel the same about her. (Having a third person around in every situation helps you WAKE UP to the dumb fights and arguments you were having!) Meanwhile, Rika came into this situation needing a steady, uplifting and tender place where she could grow. She was raised in a rigid environment, and her prior relationship of 20 years was respectful, but lacking warmth, depth or any real joie de vivre (passion in life).
When she came to us, she was used to her opinion being repressed by men, and didn’t really know who she was. So our first agenda was to help her find her voice. Not to mimic who we are and what we do, but to fortify the things which make her unique and lovable. If you’ve seen her blog (Link: Rika's Choice) I think you can see who she’s grown to become. She’s pretty awesome!
We believe in Open Hands - and I can give no greater love than the freedom and encouragement to help someone be themselves. The end result became this beautiful sunny person who just needed a little encouragement to grow more confident, capable and fulfilled... and that’s worth falling in love with!
She’s a unicorn: I never thought we’d find someone with virtually no baggage, who wasn’t broken or needy – just ready to be loved well.
Admittedly… we got lucky.
She’s a unicorn: I never thought we’d find someone with virtually no baggage, who wasn’t broken or needy – just ready to be loved well.
Admittedly… we got lucky.
So without a doubt, we welcome her to stick around for as long as she’s happy! 
Like most everything, communication and openness has proved to be the best policy! We're 'out' at work and with all of our friends. Granted.. our folks still resent and have disowned us; but we come from households where unhappy/multiple marriage ('serial monogamy')/un-tender partnerships are the norm, because those people didn't choose to champion love.
Like most everything, communication and openness has proved to be the best policy! We're 'out' at work and with all of our friends. Granted.. our folks still resent and have disowned us; but we come from households where unhappy/multiple marriage ('serial monogamy')/un-tender partnerships are the norm, because those people didn't choose to champion love.
We regret that they've reacted negatively, but we do love them and will continue to reach out.
Despite their shadows --- we are positive.
It's a wonderful time!
It's a wonderful time!
One of the best times, really.
On Friday August 30th - the girls had their own Maiden ceremony, where they committed to one another as best friends and sisters. This was brief and informal, but heartfelt! Then, they went for a girls night out! They’ve spent the last two weeks together giddily shopping for new wedding rings: three bands, for the obvious reasons.
On Saturday morning, Rika and I drove out to a hand-picked, secluded location where we had one of the best talks of our lives.
Then, we shared vows.
That evening, the three of us sat around the dinner table, sipping wine, eating and playing a newlywed game. The kind where there is no loser and everyone takes turns discussing memories about how you met, and what so-and-so's favorite ice cream is!
On Sunday, Rika and I drove to Cincinnati, where we shared a very casual and relaxed mock-honeymoon. We wanted to keep this simple, and Cincy has special meaning to us.
Rika and I spent a whirlwind weekend, watching fireworks, walking around town under glowy lights, and holding hands like two dopey teenagers!
'Modern Romance', eh? Lol. C'est bon.
Rika and I spent a whirlwind weekend, watching fireworks, walking around town under glowy lights, and holding hands like two dopey teenagers!
'Modern Romance', eh? Lol. C'est bon.
And ...that’s it.
Got back into town yesterday afternoon, and gathered all the kids gathered around. We had initially planned to go boating, but decided to stay in after the weather turned a little chilly. We had a good time anyhow, just talking and hanging out... relaxing, connected and playing together.
That's what families do.... and that's what we are.
Got back into town yesterday afternoon, and gathered all the kids gathered around. We had initially planned to go boating, but decided to stay in after the weather turned a little chilly. We had a good time anyhow, just talking and hanging out... relaxing, connected and playing together.
That's what families do.... and that's what we are.
Dear friends, it is my hope that you will positive and happy for us, as you have expressed in the past. Here’s to an ordinary life, lived extraordinarily.
- Charles Dashing.
Where men make war in the struggle to keep his brother's bondage.
We reject weak hands and such sorrow, sewn in the name of weak love.
Something better is out there... just waiting to be found.
Just waiting to be created.
Waiting to be held, shared and understood.
- C.D.
[[ Naked as we came - by Iron and Wine ]]
She says "Wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard
She says "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I'll lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard
That's goddamned beautiful, mate. Beautiful. For everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteAww hey - thanks Ben! It's been a tremendous adventure, full of growth, maturation and discovery. Happiness too! We highly encourage everyone to create the joy that fulfills you! Like any game avatar, each life should be customized, not set to someone else's DEFAULTS.
DeleteThank you for reading the post. And for adding me! --- speaking of gaming; You're a GAME DESIGNER! That's so cool! I'll be following your adventures and sharing them with my son, who also wants to get into the business.
CARRY ON AND MAKE COOL THINGS. =)