My friend Rich died two weeks ago.
Well... we think he committed suicide. I won't say how. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that my friend is gone, and even though time and circumstance put space between us.... he was my boy -
and i miss him.
I think Rich was about 22... 23 when we met. We both worked for the same company. Both loved videogames and had a penchant for music, so ... in that way guys come together easy - dude and I hit it off.
And he was cool: always friendly and wanting to be helpful. But Rich was dealing with some issues... drugs, failed relationships... plus, he had a general wariness of people. He only trusted me because I tend to reach out to lost sheep. I'm one too.
We were doing good. After some time, I was helping him to kick the bad habits... saw him getting his life together. We used to roll together at lunch, and he would go on and on about whatever bullshit videogame or movie was on his mind. We loved to compare notes on stuff.
Then, he would do shit like... out of the blue --- mention that he was thinking about killing himself.
This would launch me into the stratosphere ... I'm not one to toy with such comments or take them lightly. I was putting some serious heart into loving this dude - and always spoke to him like a big brother. Was always real with him, but tender too y'know? Making sure he knew I cared, but not being soft on him about it. Life is hard enough for everybody... hard on women, hard on men... hard on the young and old.
Entropy is a fact of life: to Live is to defy that knowledge and invest in the joy of Being. Now.
Rich was a young guy with a good head on his shoulders, but he had some serious problems. Hidden aches.
Some that weren't visible, unless you knew what to ask, and where to look.
Even so - he could empathize with others going through their struggles, and I - empathized with him.
Tried to be a friend and role model. We were making progress.
Then, along came this girl.
She was beautiful. Amazing. Short and smart... quick witted.
And she had a good job.... a pharmacist.
She and Rich hit it off... and everything seemed like it was going to be okay! He and I stopped hanging out as much, but it was cool - because this was the freedom I wanted for him! He spent his time with her, they moved in together... started doing the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. Camping and hiking together. Just this cute little suburban couple. It looked like everything was going to be just fine.
Rich wasn't lost anymore - and he didn't need more 'mentoring'; the best conclusion this story could have.
So we stopped hanging out.
How was I to know that she kept a big fishbowl full of narcotic drugs on the kitchen table?
Girl was dealing.
She got him hooked on real stuff -- not the cheap shit kids get from a buddy, but 'white collar' drugs.
Stuff that people use for psychiatric treatment. He told me about it one day and I kinda raged at him, but he couldn't hear me anymore. The drugs had him. His new lifestyle had him. Or maybe... his old pains just found a new and improved co-dependence.
Add that now he was getting laid on the regular by this cute girl and --- well...shit man, the math is easy.
Hot chicks can ruin a friendship in a heartbeat. Hot girls with money and an endless supply of drugs?
... my friendship with him didn't stand a chance.
He started looking beat down. Of course he did. Bad things never heal you.
And of course - offuckingCOURSE the girl broke up with him. This was followed by more math: he spiraled out of control, lost the job, didn't have any money or heart. A walking shadow, always at home, laid up - sky high and out of it. We didn't see each other much. One of the last times we did, we were driving together and I was trying to get him to open up. I was hoping to cheer him up, so I could see if there was any chance to turn things around... -- and right after I mentioned what a beautiful Spring day it was, Rich said that the clouds made him want to kill himself.
To anyone else - that's just a weird, bad joke. But to me and Rich, it represented a setback from dozens of long, hard talks... and at that moment -- I just flipped out on him.
" I'm SO fucking tired of your sad-sack, Eeyore-ass ways man! You're NEVER gonna get up if you're always so ready to lay down! I'm wasting my time with you... and clearly, you don't give a shit about respecting me if you're just gonna drop THAT WORD like you're talking about a fucking hamburger." -- I said. Something like that. Fuck.. I don't know.
I was angry and it was years ago.
You ever watch somebody kill themselves in slow motion?
You care. You really do. But a part of you is really, really angry with them.
That day, I was furious.
In my world, when a girl breaks up with you - you get it together. Show her what she's missing! Keep your self respect and step up your game.. but Rich broke down. He *always* broke down.
And that day - I broke down too.
We stopped hanging out after that.
The next time I heard from Rich was just several months ago.
2013. It has been .. what - seven, eight years? Probably more.
In that time, he had moved to a different state and started over. He was living with his brother now, the only other person that Rich felt he could rely on. But things were looking up! He reached out to me to say that life had gotten better! He was upbeat, and contacted me to say 'thanks' about those times before.
Dude was working things out: he had a new job, had a nice place, and had started working out at the gym. Cool.
Sometimes it just takes a fresh start and a little maturity to steer a person right.
He sounded happy, I was really happy for him --- no one wanted to revisit that last argument. Guys are like that. No one needs to 'win' the fight - fuck the scoreboard -- just make it right.
We're not interested in holding grudges and bullshit angst... especially if we're friends.
Rich and I were good for a while. Then, another girl. Another break-up. Rich lost and got another job. Then, another girl. This cycle would continue... and each time, he would lose more of himself.
Sometimes he'd talk to me about it --- but it was through work email? So we just kept it light for the most part and stuck to sharing music instead. He seemed to be handling it --- roughly.... poorly, to be sure. But some people are just dramatic that way. So I didn't suspect anything was too messed up.
Just another day.
I had seen all this before: the pattern of him being happy, getting better - then finding out that he'd invested in things that weren't going to work out. He'd drop out for a while and go silent. Tapped.
Then a few weeks later, a flurry of new music would appear on his YouTube page -- and it was Spring again. Warm.
A lot of the music he liked was dark. Industrial and forlorn. But... when Rich was upbeat - he also had a surprising knack for really soft, bubblegum sweet chillwave. A genre also known as 'glo-fi ...characterized by slow, beautiful melodies and interesting, thematic beats. The kind of music you drive to, or sit and listen to while watching planes come and go. Music for being in love. Rika and I included one of the songs he shared with us on your Honeymoon soundtrack.
So yeah... when he wasn't fucked up, Rich wanted the same things we all want.
To be accepted. To have a little peace in his life. And to be loved by someone that loved him back.
Still, I guess in my mind... I always knew that he was fighting just to breathe? I knew that he wasn't enjoying life, didn't have the resilient optimism which is inherent in the way I see things. He didn't show it - -never really reached out and gave any indication that he was drowning. Or that this time it was for real.
He just grew still and quiet while the water rose.
I guess it took him a while to work up the courage. Or pull down the sorrow.
Either way.... his brother found him, slumped over the desk in front of his pc. Rich released himself from the struggle. Just too tired of fighting to carry on, I guess.
We think maybe he left a message, hastily typed in Note on his computer.
But .. in his state of mind, Rich didn't think to save it.
The pc was connected to the wall outlet.
When the coroner came, they flipped the light switch off, and just like that...
.... you lose someone f o r e v e r ~ *.
Here's to my friend. A guy who was always fighting a battle he could never seem to win.
Thank you for sharing the times with me when you almost did.
I love you and I miss you, man.
And I'm sorry.
- Charles Dashing.
Well... we think he committed suicide. I won't say how. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that my friend is gone, and even though time and circumstance put space between us.... he was my boy -
and i miss him.
I think Rich was about 22... 23 when we met. We both worked for the same company. Both loved videogames and had a penchant for music, so ... in that way guys come together easy - dude and I hit it off.
And he was cool: always friendly and wanting to be helpful. But Rich was dealing with some issues... drugs, failed relationships... plus, he had a general wariness of people. He only trusted me because I tend to reach out to lost sheep. I'm one too.
We were doing good. After some time, I was helping him to kick the bad habits... saw him getting his life together. We used to roll together at lunch, and he would go on and on about whatever bullshit videogame or movie was on his mind. We loved to compare notes on stuff.
Then, he would do shit like... out of the blue --- mention that he was thinking about killing himself.
This would launch me into the stratosphere ... I'm not one to toy with such comments or take them lightly. I was putting some serious heart into loving this dude - and always spoke to him like a big brother. Was always real with him, but tender too y'know? Making sure he knew I cared, but not being soft on him about it. Life is hard enough for everybody... hard on women, hard on men... hard on the young and old.
Entropy is a fact of life: to Live is to defy that knowledge and invest in the joy of Being. Now.
Rich was a young guy with a good head on his shoulders, but he had some serious problems. Hidden aches.
Some that weren't visible, unless you knew what to ask, and where to look.
Even so - he could empathize with others going through their struggles, and I - empathized with him.
Tried to be a friend and role model. We were making progress.
Then, along came this girl.
She was beautiful. Amazing. Short and smart... quick witted.
And she had a good job.... a pharmacist.
She and Rich hit it off... and everything seemed like it was going to be okay! He and I stopped hanging out as much, but it was cool - because this was the freedom I wanted for him! He spent his time with her, they moved in together... started doing the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. Camping and hiking together. Just this cute little suburban couple. It looked like everything was going to be just fine.
Rich wasn't lost anymore - and he didn't need more 'mentoring'; the best conclusion this story could have.
So we stopped hanging out.
How was I to know that she kept a big fishbowl full of narcotic drugs on the kitchen table?
Girl was dealing.
She got him hooked on real stuff -- not the cheap shit kids get from a buddy, but 'white collar' drugs.
Stuff that people use for psychiatric treatment. He told me about it one day and I kinda raged at him, but he couldn't hear me anymore. The drugs had him. His new lifestyle had him. Or maybe... his old pains just found a new and improved co-dependence.
Add that now he was getting laid on the regular by this cute girl and --- well...shit man, the math is easy.
Hot chicks can ruin a friendship in a heartbeat. Hot girls with money and an endless supply of drugs?
... my friendship with him didn't stand a chance.
He started looking beat down. Of course he did. Bad things never heal you.
And of course - offuckingCOURSE the girl broke up with him. This was followed by more math: he spiraled out of control, lost the job, didn't have any money or heart. A walking shadow, always at home, laid up - sky high and out of it. We didn't see each other much. One of the last times we did, we were driving together and I was trying to get him to open up. I was hoping to cheer him up, so I could see if there was any chance to turn things around... -- and right after I mentioned what a beautiful Spring day it was, Rich said that the clouds made him want to kill himself.
To anyone else - that's just a weird, bad joke. But to me and Rich, it represented a setback from dozens of long, hard talks... and at that moment -- I just flipped out on him.
" I'm SO fucking tired of your sad-sack, Eeyore-ass ways man! You're NEVER gonna get up if you're always so ready to lay down! I'm wasting my time with you... and clearly, you don't give a shit about respecting me if you're just gonna drop THAT WORD like you're talking about a fucking hamburger." -- I said. Something like that. Fuck.. I don't know.
I was angry and it was years ago.
You ever watch somebody kill themselves in slow motion?
You care. You really do. But a part of you is really, really angry with them.
That day, I was furious.
In my world, when a girl breaks up with you - you get it together. Show her what she's missing! Keep your self respect and step up your game.. but Rich broke down. He *always* broke down.
And that day - I broke down too.
We stopped hanging out after that.
The next time I heard from Rich was just several months ago.
2013. It has been .. what - seven, eight years? Probably more.
In that time, he had moved to a different state and started over. He was living with his brother now, the only other person that Rich felt he could rely on. But things were looking up! He reached out to me to say that life had gotten better! He was upbeat, and contacted me to say 'thanks' about those times before.
Dude was working things out: he had a new job, had a nice place, and had started working out at the gym. Cool.
Sometimes it just takes a fresh start and a little maturity to steer a person right.
He sounded happy, I was really happy for him --- no one wanted to revisit that last argument. Guys are like that. No one needs to 'win' the fight - fuck the scoreboard -- just make it right.
We're not interested in holding grudges and bullshit angst... especially if we're friends.
Rich and I were good for a while. Then, another girl. Another break-up. Rich lost and got another job. Then, another girl. This cycle would continue... and each time, he would lose more of himself.
Sometimes he'd talk to me about it --- but it was through work email? So we just kept it light for the most part and stuck to sharing music instead. He seemed to be handling it --- roughly.... poorly, to be sure. But some people are just dramatic that way. So I didn't suspect anything was too messed up.
Just another day.
I had seen all this before: the pattern of him being happy, getting better - then finding out that he'd invested in things that weren't going to work out. He'd drop out for a while and go silent. Tapped.
Then a few weeks later, a flurry of new music would appear on his YouTube page -- and it was Spring again. Warm.
A lot of the music he liked was dark. Industrial and forlorn. But... when Rich was upbeat - he also had a surprising knack for really soft, bubblegum sweet chillwave. A genre also known as 'glo-fi ...characterized by slow, beautiful melodies and interesting, thematic beats. The kind of music you drive to, or sit and listen to while watching planes come and go. Music for being in love. Rika and I included one of the songs he shared with us on your Honeymoon soundtrack.
So yeah... when he wasn't fucked up, Rich wanted the same things we all want.
To be accepted. To have a little peace in his life. And to be loved by someone that loved him back.
Still, I guess in my mind... I always knew that he was fighting just to breathe? I knew that he wasn't enjoying life, didn't have the resilient optimism which is inherent in the way I see things. He didn't show it - -never really reached out and gave any indication that he was drowning. Or that this time it was for real.
He just grew still and quiet while the water rose.
I guess it took him a while to work up the courage. Or pull down the sorrow.
Either way.... his brother found him, slumped over the desk in front of his pc. Rich released himself from the struggle. Just too tired of fighting to carry on, I guess.
We think maybe he left a message, hastily typed in Note on his computer.
But .. in his state of mind, Rich didn't think to save it.
The pc was connected to the wall outlet.
When the coroner came, they flipped the light switch off, and just like that...
.... you lose someone f o r e v e r ~ *.
Here's to my friend. A guy who was always fighting a battle he could never seem to win.
Thank you for sharing the times with me when you almost did.
I love you and I miss you, man.
And I'm sorry.
- Charles Dashing.
It's alright bro... I'll wait with you 'til they come to let you go...
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